The cold weather is subsiding, the flowers are starting to bloom, the Super Bowl has come and gone, and now, Spring Training is upon us.
This winter has been a fruitful one. The Dodgers were able to complete the prophecy I laid out last season where Shohei Ohtani would leave the ineffective Angels and go across town to join the Blue Crew. Last year on Opening Day I suggested that Ohtani's life was a baseball manga. We are now entering the third phase of his story, where he joins a powerhouse team that could go all the way and win a World Series. I even gave this fictional manga a name: Ohtani-San! (exclamation point included). The fact that Yoshinobu Yamamoto is joining him for the ride only adds to my strange comparison to Shohei and sports-based comics from Japan.
While things have been fantastic for the Dodgers, I can’t say the same thing about me. Things are… alright. In some ways, they are better than they have ever been. In other ways, they have been challenging. Growth has been painful. Unfortunately, when things don't go your way in life, you can't just go out and pay $700 million for someone to come in and instantly make your life better. Well, I suppose you can, but it would be frowned upon and illegal in most countries.
I forget how much baseball occupies my time and takes away the stresses of the world for a few hours a day. It often becomes the center of my life outside of my son, Cisco. Weekend plans are often structured around games. Most of my online activity is taken up with baseball articles or looking at statistical sights like FanGraphs and Baseball-Reference. Most people who get to know me find out quickly how much I love the game. Most of the decorations in my living room are Dodgers-based, including a picture of Jackie Robinson and Duke Snyder right above my writing desk/workstation.Â
The reasons for that are plentiful, but the main one is how distracting it can be. I can feel depressed, joyous, or indifferent, but I can always sink time into watching or listening to baseball.Â
I've always been prone to getting lost in my thoughts. Hence the heavy weed usage for years. Baseball helps me feel numb toward the rest of the world while also feeling alive at the same time. That may sound confusing, but it is how I live every summer. While I'm on my couch or at my desk writing while a game is on I feel only for the next pitch, the next inning, the next instant. It's hard for me to live in the moment otherwise. There are so many times when I felt passionless but I remember getting excited for baseball.Â
I remember in 2003 I was going through a ton of bullshit, most of which was very trivial and not long-lasting, but I had been watching a ton of baseball that spring with my brother BJ. He was a Diamondbacks fan, so we would watch the Dodgers and Dbacks series together. I remember a game we were watching in early April where the Snakes were up and the game was going into the 7th.Â
We had been smoking weed that night. We didn't have a proper pipe at the time, so BJ had fashioned one out of a cucumber that we found in the fridge. I remember thinking that the game was getting further out of reach as it went on. This was back when the Dbacks were still considered a powerhouse.1 Schilling, Gonzo, and Johnson were all still there. I remember BJ teasing me that the game was getting to the end and how the Dbacks were still the superior team.
That's when the Dodgers started stringing some hits together. When Paul Lo Duca stepped to the plate with Cesar Izturis on first, I felt the butterflies in my gut. Lo Duca already had two hits in that game. He was always a Diamondbacks slayer too. He always came through when the team needed a hit or a run against Arizona. That night, he did it again. I was lying on the futon in our family room and when I saw the connection between the bat and the ball, I jumped up and started screaming. I looked over at Beej, who was smiling but annoyed at what was happening on screen. The Dodgers went ahead and gutted it out until Eric Gagné2 came in to finish the job. Once he was on the mound, I knew the game was over, and I remember telling my brother as much that night. It felt magical. All the insanity that had been the previous few weeks finally didn't feel so daunting. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel like that's how things are now. I haven't felt right in weeks and the main reason is that I feel like I'm on an island at times. Even with the Dodgers having a wonderful offseason, I haven't wanted to celebrate. I just keep on pining for stuff that I don't have. I feel lonely, and the main reason I feel that way is how things have progressed with my family over the past few years. I don't think people understand how traumatic having a tumultuous family situation can be. I know Marissa, my ex as well as my son's mother, would always say how I needed to get over how I felt about my upbringing. I come in contact with people who say that it's fucked up that I have cut off so much of my family. I get that it's rare and not ideal. I would never want to lose contact with my son. But, most don't understand how painful it was to live in a home where chaos and manipulation were paramount above all.Â
I’ve come to realize that there is no getting over what happened in the past. The only thing I can do is live with it. That’s it. Accept things as they are and just do my best with what I have. The more I dwell on things, the harder it is to appreciate the good things in life.Â
The healing journey that I started long ago has made me feel appreciative of my past. I would not be the person I am today without living through those days. But, I also have to live with the pain of how I got here.
There's uncertainty everywhere. In my personal life, in baseball. everywhere. People think that LA is going to come out and steamroll everyone now that we have Ohtani, but I have watched enough baseball to know that nothing is guaranteed. I think we'll win the West, and stroll into the playoffs easily. After that, who the fuck knows. I've seen super teams wilt under the bright lights before. That's nothing new.Â
The difference this season is the presence of a once-in-a-generation talent. Everything is set up for big things and high expectations. I have high expectations for myself now, too. Gone are the days when I was just surviving. Writing, parenting, and making an impact in other people's lives are my main goals these days. I strive each day for that, even if it's only a small amount.Â
Fun Stuff
Life isn’t all doom and gloom. Here’s a video of Teoscar Hernandez teaching Shohei Ohtani Spanish:
The Padres
The Dodgers faced the Padres in their first Spring Training game of the year. They also are the team we will play in the Opening Day series in South Korea. This was a team we all expected to be competitive with LA last season. However, it was not to be. San Diego ended up laying an egg in the latter part of the season, which opened the door for Arizona to step in and make their run to the Series.
This factoid makes me think of an old Public Enemy song which we all should be thinking about not just for sports, but in life in general. Don't Believe the Hype.
Often we make things larger in our heads than they are in reality. I think it's a habit we've picked up from our ancestors. Think of epic poems or stories that were passed on from generation to generation. These were often displayed as factual. We now know that many ancient stories were complete bullshit. But now, in current times, we ought to recognize that talk is very cheap. You can take this lesson outside of baseball as well. I know I'm guilty of creating huge scenarios in my head and then coming to understand that these messes that I have created are much worse in my imagination than they are in actuality.
San Diego ended up three of their pitchers before the end of the first inning. I know it’s just Spring Training, but still…
Jackie Robinson
For those unaware, a statue of the legendary Jackie Robinson was stolen in Kansas earlier this month. According to a report from the AP, the person who stole the statue reportedly did so due to the high amount of copper used to construct the monument. Kind of a strange story, but one that points to how we as people perceive what is important these days.
Jackie, while someone I had never seen live, helped bolster my love for the Dodgers after learning about him in the first grade during Black History Month. Robinson not only broke through the racial barrier that was in place in the majors during his time but also showed that the equality that so many strived for was possible by being called up to play alongside his white teammates in Brooklyn.
Considering the backstory, it's incredible to witness such a heartbreaking story about his statue's theft and the aftermath of the affair. At first, people assumed that this deed was a hate crime, motivated by the fact that Robinson was and still is such a huge symbol inside the Black community. Instead, we find out that the offense was pulled off by a run-of-the-mill criminal who was looking to make a quick buck in a very turbulent in our current political environment.
The reasoning behind thinking that this crime was racially motivated doesn't escape me. We are now divided radically as a country, with many legislative decisions in the court only eviscerating the process of healing us as a union. But the other caveat to this story, one of a crime being driven by profit over legacy, also holds up a strange lens to us as a nation.
For those wondering, the statue will be replaced due to the county having a mold that was used for the original statue to be cast, even though the artist who created the piece has passed away.
Well, it’s a good thing that a cast was made of the stolen statue. Haven’t heard Eric Gagné’s name in ages! And sorry you’ve been having a rough time. Hope things get better for you.
I absolutely loved Gagné. The Dodgers weren’t great back then but that era holds a special place in my heart.
As for the hard times, I figure at least it makes for interesting writing. Thank you!