Don't kill your hope.
Since the beginning of December, I have been on an incredible journey. I had a breakthrough in counseling at the time. I realized that I wanted to be brave. I wanted to be able to make mistakes without fearing the repercussions. I aimed to be someone who was no longer terrified.
The problem I ran into was that it went against everything inside of me to make this change.
I am so used to being scared of the worst-case scenario. I constantly struggle with seeing the good side of things. When it came time to start to put into practice this new goal, I felt myself sinking deep into a pit of depression and tension. I didn't expect that to happen. I figured that I was going to be placed on this new path and then transform instantly into a different person, with hopes and dreams that were attainable and tangible.
The realization that I was going against the grain so powerfully was eye-opening. Rather than acknowledge that the path to being a stronger human was rough and tumble, I instead started to slide back into the familiar territory of self-doubt and pity.
When I find myself in these places, I start to break down how I got there. Often, it's because of my own doing. Even this pit that I was sunk in was because of me. I decided to change attributes about myself. No one forced it upon me. There was no one to blame for my plight. I had to look at what I had been doing and realize that the growing pains I was feeling weren't a bad thing.
I did start to lose hope. I felt like things were meant to be and there was no point in changing it. But, I felt like that was copping out. It didn't sit right with me. I deserved better. Lately, I have started to advocate for myself against myself, and it's tough. I get caught in negative cycles and have to snap out of it. It isn't that there aren't people around me who try to do that as well, it's that I block out those people because I am so used to reinforcing the toxic feedback loop that developed long ago.
I was able to escape it. How did I accomplish this? By giving myself some grace and love. Things have never been easy, and I've never had a great support system. But, I show up. I take my beatings and lick my wounds, and then I get up the next day and do the same thing again. I've survived 37 years doing this, and I plan to do it for the foreseeable future. Those are commendable qualities.
I haven't given up hope. I want to experience a better life. I want a happy and fulfilling one. I want to teach my son that he can be secure in his skin. Those lessons weren't afforded to me. But I can change that now.