We are all a tangle of specialties and emotions. We're living on this planet while dealing with different issues and setbacks. When you step back and see it all in front of you, it can be a sobering experience.
I don't want to be angry at people for not being who I want them to be. I would do that in the past. I attempted to mold people to be what I needed them to be. If they didn't, I would walk out of their life. There was no discussion or anything. It was just me being bitter and lonely. That's what loneliness and bitterness do. They make it so that you construct a castle around yourself. You don't let people in unless they are of use to you. You do it because you don't want to go through the same thing constantly, but you start duplicating the same pattern. You do all this shit to protect yourself, and guess what? The people you let in? They'll still disappoint you. They'll change, or move, or get angry at you. Some will stop speaking to you. No one remains stationary. Life is too complicated.
From now on, I want to hold space for people to be themselves and to be themselves unapologetically. If things don't work out, then they don't work out. But I don't want to force people into boxes or roles. I don't want to allow people to occupy the space they feel comfortable in. I don't think I've done that recently. I've tried to. But trying is different from doing.
One thing about me is that I'm sensitive. I remember being in kindergarten and getting an assignment for homework where there was a snowman who had appeared for the winter. It was a small comic. The first few frames showed him, smiling and happy. And then, as the comic progressed, the panels showed the spring coming. Eventually, the sun and the heat became too much for it.
I remember it saying goodbye, telling the reader that it was going away and that it would be back next winter. That comic broke me. I remember feeling so alone and scared because of it. I told my teacher how I felt and she was confused by my reaction. She was incredible but I think she was lost in explaining to a child that the person he was mourning over never existed. But to me, in my heart and soul, I cared for that little fictional snowman with all of my heart. It was hard.
I've never been able to process loss that well. Nobody can when you think of it. But I am so scared of losing people. I am so scared that I push them away before they leave and then tell myself it's for the best.
But it's not. Now I think back on wonderful people who I let slip away. It's hard. I see that same snowman melting away, saying he'll see me soon, but instead of a made-up character who vanished, it's real people who were in my life. Because of that, I'm afraid that the people here with me today will also melt away until the next winter, which may never come. That scares me. It's the scariest thing in the world. I have this intense fear of always being alone. It scares me and makes me feel sad all at the same time.
But I have to accept that fear. I can't force anyone to be here with me if they don't want to. I can't keep pushing people into boxes to make myself feel better. I take away all the amazing things they offer by doing that. Instead, I am going to hold space for people. I will hold that space for those who want it. Chasing, forcing, being angry, being bitter doesn't work anymore.
I'm not perfect, but I know what I can offer others. I'm a good listener. I am empathetic and caring. I have a huge heart. These are all wonderful qualities. I never noticed them before, either. I always felt I needed to do more to impact people's lives. Truthfully, making an impact isn't the point of friendships. Being present is the ultimate gift that you can give your loved ones.
Lovely, human, vulnerable. I so appreciate you.